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i don’t think i’ll find love. i’m surprised. the thought doesn’t bring tears to my eyes. i keep saying i’ll do me, but i don’t know how.
the sand keeps falling to the bottom of the hourglass, and theres no way to catch the grains as i waste my time lazing around and trying to find my purpose. what is my purpose? what am i supposed to do? im meant to do something. what is it? when will i find it? i cant keep going on like this, wondering, wandering. i need direction. i need a reason to keep fighting. wheres my reason? is it him? or is it my future? my future? in ten years, i have no idea what ill be doing. thats horrible isnt it? i have no idea what ill look like what ill be like what ill be doing who ill be with or who ill be. how does one find purpose? do i just keep going until life presents me with something? do i try everything until i find a passion? do i just give up and follow the path my dad set for me? i dont want to.
love will never find me because i will never be able to love again. i could only be hurt so many times until i lost the desire. its not like i dont want to feel someone hold me, to feel someone want me, to feel someone protect me, to feel someone live for me; i do, i want it so bad. but ill never trust again. ill never bring myself to that dark place. i dont deserve that.
im losing it for you. i can feel myself giving up on you. i dont care what reasons you have, i dont care what circustances you live in, i needed to know and you didnt give me a straight answer. i cant wait for you. i waited for someone for 2 years and they left me a mess with a hole in my heart. i cant do that again. i have too much pride and self preservation for that. all i needed was a clear sign. i just cant wait while you tell me youre in love with someone else. i cant be your last choice. i cant be there again, i really cant do it. youre the reason i believe there are good men out there. really im horribly depressed about this. figures a great perfect man like you would come around, and id have the honor of meeting you, of experiencing you, but of course not of having you. i guess thats ok with me. do what tou have to. do right by yourself, handsome. you left your fingerprints on my heart, but i dont mind. take care and be good
