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Dad.
If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am today. Aren’t you proud? I’m stuck in bum-fucked Indiana, fresh out of jail, and losing who I am. Who am I supposed to be? You wouldn’t know. You never knew me. I could excuse it if you’d tried, but you never even tried. Miss you? How do you miss what you never had? Family. I’m still learning what it is since you never showed me. How could you treat your children like you treated us? How could you think that all we wanted or needed was money? We needed you. We wanted you. We yearned for your affection and attention. And you turned your back on us. How do I keep calling you dad? How am I supposed to care about you, someone who never cared about us? You gave me a temper, a criminal’s mindset, pride, addiction, and the ability to forget. Dad, you may not have been the one to drive me to depression, but you didn’t save me. You were supposed to be there for me you were supposed to show me you loved me, but you abandoned me. I can’t love the person who was supposed to love me unconditionally, and instead chose to leave me. I can’t pretend to miss you, I can’t pretend to care. I’m sorry for the heartache I caused you. I’m sorry that you’ll never know me like mom does. I’m not a great person, but I’m not a bad person. You might’ve liked me. You might’ve made me a great person. But you didn’t, so I’m not, and I’ll get there without you. You gave me a direction, but not the one I needed. I wished you were there when I was younger. When I carried Avery, when I made the decision to not let him be, when I got in trouble (all the times), when I needed someone to hold me and tell me it’d be okay, you weren’t here. When I wanted to talk, when I NEEDED to talk, when I needed to feel wanted.. you weren’t here. So how do I love you?
Mom.
I’d tell you all my secrets, I want to, but you judge me. For everything, you judge me. You add it onto the list of reasons why you should leave me on my own. I appreciate that you haven’t, but you don’t ease my mind or my conscience, you burden them. You give me reasons why I shouldn’t be who I am, you tell me I’m doing everything all wrong. You blame all my mistakes and my misfortunes on me. They may be my fault, or they may be no one’s fault, but in your eyes, they’re all my fault. When I carried Avery, when I made the decision to not let him be, when I got in trouble (all the times), you were there. But you were the last to know, and you were the one to tell me how shameful I was. I just wanted support, I just wanted affection, but I got grief. I love you, and I know you love me, but you don’t love me for who I am. You love me because you have to.
